BBC Blair: the launch of a visionary new channel

Exclusive! As the whole world, the whole world’s cat, some guy called Derek and a poodle named Beyoncé know, the British Broadcasting Corporation recently sold The Great British Bake Off to Channel 4 (think BabeStation with more tits). Now the BBC have a bit of cash to splash.

What’s shocking though is they’re going to replace it with something entirely different: BBC Blair Is this what we think it is? Yes it very much is. It’s a channel dedicated to cuddly warmonger Tony Blair and Blairism in general. We were shocked as well. Extremely so in fact (Ms. Levitt is having palpitations). I have calmed myself since then however and can now report on this without bias.

We at TCP have learnt that they’re not spending the money on a replacement for Bake Off (Ed. whoever wrote TCP’s article the other day suggesting they will be, shall be getting a P45!) but rather they’re launching a new channel to replace every student’s favourite late-night American cartoon comedy channel BBC 3. The format will be varied and entertaining and the continuity announcer and main host will be Alastair Campbell with a glass of Claret and a voodoo doll/hand puppet of John McDonnell. So what will this visionary new channel have to offer us?

Here’s a list of what they plan to inflict us with:

• “Where’s Blair?” - daily reports from BBC News’ Laura Kuenssberg about all things Blair (sightings, dodgy arms deals, new books &c.)

• “How to Cheat Your Way to Success” - a weekly feature by Labour NEC

General Secretary Iain McNicol (with guest Luke Akehurst)

• “Mandelson’s Horror” - a daily evening viewing of Horror films presented by Lord Mandelson in a black cape and fangs.

Campbell himself will host a chat show “Campbell Claret Chats...” where he interviews Blairites throughout the years and we gather the first guest will be David Blunkett, followed by Jack Straw and Margaret Becket (live from her caravan).

Saturday afternoons will be Blairshow night and they are hoping to tackle the difficult 6 p.m. slot that other channels are so good at. We do not know the details as of yet as they want it to be a surprise but there’s a rumour that this game show strand will be hosted by Labour MP Chris Bryant and his glamorous assistant (and wife of Tony) Cherie Blair and has the provisional title of “CB or not CB”. As the Bake Off sale was not especially profitable it is understood Portland Communications will help fund the station and Lord Alan Sugar will throw in some of his wonga.

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