Jim’ll Brexit: Jim the washing machine man to stand as Tory MP in Witney By-Election

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We have learnt that Jim the washing machine salesman who loves male escorts and life in the fast-lane, wants to further his political career. He has decided to stand as MP for Witney to replace former Prime Minister and MP David Cameron who announced he was quitting as an MP to concentrate on his future career as after-dinner speaker and Director of off-shore hedge funds.

Jim is a Brexiteer and wants to make sure PM Theresa May pushes Article 50. He's pro-business but feels the EU has stifled the washing machine selling business and is being undercut by EU migrants selling cheap Eastern European machines whilst shirtless on a cold and breezy October day. He claims he'll offer every Witney resident a new machine for a cut-price.

When asked about this news, Keith Vaz, MP for Leicester East, Put out the following statement:

''I am very pleased that Jim is standing as Tory candidate to become MP for Witney. He and I go back a long way and I have been briefing him on Politics and what to expect as a future MP. I told him it was easy. He just has to snort coke off women's tits, be misogynistic occasionally and like Peppa Pig. I shall be pimping him out in Witney once the official campaign starts. I look forward to working closely with him. Good luck Jim!''

The Electoral Committee has been questioned about this however because several people have alerted them that they believe Keith Vaz and Jim are the same person and can not be MP in two constituencies at the same time. Jim's team are denying he is Keith Vaz and Keith Vaz's team are denying he is Jim.

We did ask for an interview with Jim but he was unavailable for comment as he is selling massive washing machines in Hinckley and then going to buy some Calgon tablets.

We have yet to learn who the other candidates are to stand against Jim but there are rumours that Labour plan to stand former MP for Morley and Outwood and shit dancer and footballer Ed Balls, as his alternative career as husband of Yvette Cooper isn't working out. Other rumours include UKIP's Nigella Farage, standing as an LGBTQ and pro-Brexit candidate and someone we've never heard of for the Liberal Democrats.

No date has been set for the By-Election as of the time of writing.