BBC says fuck off to Bake Off and launch new show Flake Off

So the BBC have finally done the right thing and upset a whole fucking load of cake bakers by being outbid by the even shittier Channel 4 to the rights for the show. [if !supportLineBreakNewLine]

The BBC have already got a replacement lined up in the same weekly time slot: The Great British Flake Off. It’ll be presented by the newly backbenched Labour MP and ice cream lover Owen “Normal” Smith and will have a format similar to everyone’s favourite shows Wipeout, Top Gear and Supermarket Sweep. The nature of the games on Flake Off will be fun for all the family and include: 1. making a 99 with Flake in under 30 seconds 2. licking a Solero to the stick the quickest without biting into it 3. eating a Magnum whilst making the least mess 4. selling as many ice creams as possible at a Jeremy Corbyn rally – subject to availability 5. pulling as many strawberries out of George Galloway’s underpants in 20 seconds and then eating them 5. running around a Gladiators-esque course in as fast a time as possible whilst eating a Cornetto 6. driving a fully-laden Icecream Van around an airfield circuit in the fastest time whilst serving customers – featuring famous and less-famous celebrities and politicians Other games are lined-up but have yet to be announced but will be reliant on which untalented and useless fucking twat celebrity is a guest on that week’s programme. Assisting Owen Smith with the fun and frolics will be Barry and Paul Chuckle, Aled Jones, Cleo Rocos and various pissed-up guest MPs who have nothing better to do except abuse people on Twitter and be as useless as Justine Greening in a Grammar School. The show is set to be aired in the beginning of 2017. As for the future of Bake Off, we do not know whether Mary Blueberry Muffin has been given an even larger salary to host the show or indeed whether Paul Hollywood has fucked off to Hollywood. Mel and Sue however are not moving to Channel 4 and shall now remain as unfunny as they always have been. We gather Channel 4 will keep the format roughly the same but shall have occasional guest appearances by Antoine de Caunes and Jean-Paul Gaultier who’ll make sure that everyone knows that some blancmanges look like vulvas and some Victoria Sponges will be bouncier than Melinda Messenger’s bosom. It will also occasionally feature random nude Germans riding bicycles, naturists eating Gateaux in the Black Forest and naked whipped-cream wrestling. It’s guaranteed to be a hit. Although we’re not sure whether the sight of Mary Berry in a Miss Whiplash uniform will give old men the raging horn.

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