Facebook Whipped into a Frenzy by Poking?

Forget Pokemon Go, the newest craze to hit smart phone gamers is an oldie but a goody. Having faded into oblivion, derided by Jeremy Kyle and tutted at by emoji-lovers and Candy Crushers alike, the poking function has made a shock comeback!

Like the proverbial phoenix, the urge to get the attention of friends and would-be friends by giving them a sly poke has risen from the ashes to sweep through the Facebook community like crabs in an Ayia Napa nightclub.

Mark Zuckerberg is said to be rubbing his hands as every 20 pokey interactions results in 69 cents being directly deposited into his personal bank account (not business) and the rate of pokes currently jabbing back, back and forth and forth are earning him enough to fund his rampant Haribo habit…

So what caused this sudden surge in poke activity? It’s been difficult for our sources to decide with any certainty. Possibilities include sexual desperation amongst immature adults, who find the idea of ‘poking’ strangers titillating and likely to be the closest they will get to actual sexual intercourse anytime soon.

Another suggestion is that some annoying bastard gave into their passive aggressive side, really wanting to irritate those ‘friends’ who they actually could never stand and wouldn’t dream of speaking to should they happen to pass in the street – but it backfired when the ‘friends’ loved it and reciprocated. Back and forth.

However, the most likely explanation is that some pervy lech decided to poke a random woman from his ‘suggested friends’ list, said woman was overawed by the realisation that the poking function still existed and descended into a frenzy of poking with abandonment. Friends joined in with the revelry, poking their friends and mutual friends until a competitive orgy of pokery exploded across our screens, with users all vying to be their favourite/most fanciable pokee’s top poker

But who knows? It’s all just theory at this stage. Should you have any information that may help us with our enquiries, please contact us via our Facebook page or Twitter account asap. Cheers.